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Reality: 他对你的评价，其实和你无关

tedwild.com  | 2023.5.16

Happy Reality Day! 你上周过的如何？希望这3分钟的现实，可以带给你1%的快乐 ↓

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❤ 1个我的领悟

一个人对你的评价其实和你无关，而是对自己内心的反射。

这里的评价指的是带有感情的评判，不是客观的描述。

说“你有点胖，得注意身体了啊”的人是描述客观的情况。

说“你真胖”的人，是带有厌恶的感情的。但是，其实她是在害怕自己发胖，认为胖是一件可耻的事。她并不认识你，并不了解你，所以她厌恶的不是“你”这个人，而是“胖”这个东西。

说“你真穷”的人，也是在害怕自己变穷，或者是想通过贬低你获取一点优越感。

说“你真骚”的人，是在害怕自己被别人说骚，想维护自己的形象，通过和你划清界限显得自己清白。

所有带有感情的评价都是这样。

为什么要做到尽量完全不去评价任何人，包括你自己呢？

首先，你看到的永远是一个人的一个侧面，而不是真实的、完整的人，所以基于这个小侧面得出的关于一个人的结论几乎不可能是正确的。比如人们在抖音上刷到一个20秒的、一个年轻人和一个老年人在公交车上吵架的短视频，然后就开始在评论区里义愤填膺地开骂，“这年轻人素质真低，真不要脸”。但实际发生了啥你知道吗？有可能是老年人先打了年轻人呢？

更重要的是，如果你接着往下深究就会发现，这个世界说到底，所有人都是互相伤害，谁都有错，又谁都没错。打人的老年人当时心情不好，是因为被另一个人骂了。骂他的人又是因为感觉自己的生活很痛苦，看社会不爽。而他的痛苦追根究底又是因为小时候没有得到父母的爱，而他的父母不会抚养孩子，又是因为他们的父母对他们的教育就那个水平……所以说到底，所有人，包括所谓的“坏人”，都只是不明白这些生活的原理而已，而每个人都活在一系列“因果”中，被伤害，也伤害他人。世界就是无尽的因果，很难说谁对谁错。

还好，也有被治愈，然后治愈他人。

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❤ 1个其他人的领悟

“他们读了一篇文章的几个小段就开始骂人，但他们的反应其实与真实的我无关。

表扬也是一样的。有些人喜欢我写的东西，对我说好听的话。但那些也不是对真正的我说的。

结论是这样：别人的评论只是对你所做的事情的反馈。

永远不要忘记，展现出来的你，并不是完整的你。”

– Derek Sivers, The Public You Is Not You

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❤ 1个小尝试

“评判腕带”：

接下来一周，在你手腕上戴个橡胶圈，比如扎头发的那种就可以。每次你意识到自己刚才进行了一次评价，不管是对别人的，还是对你自己的，就拉起来弹一下自己手腕，表示这种行为不好。

这是一个很重要的小练习，因为其实你生活中评判最多的人，是你自己。

对自己好一点。

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看完有啥想法没？可以直接回复这个邮件，我会看邮箱里的每一个回复。

另外，我很想知道你对已经发了的这些期周报的建议，有没有可以给我的建议么？欢迎回复。

除了邮件，有没有什么保持联系的其他方法的建议呢？

下周见，

Ted Wild

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PS: 生活比你想的更美

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Reality: Their judgments about you is not about you

tedwild.com  | 2023.5.16

Happy Reality Day! Here is your weekly dose of reality to help you live 1% happier.

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❤ 1 Insight From Me

A person’s judgment of you actually has nothing to do with you but is a reflection of their own heart.

The “judgment” here refers to an emotional judgment, not an objective description.

People who say “You are overweighted, pay attention to your health” are describing an objective situation.

People who say “You’re so fat” with a kind of disgust. But in fact, she is afraid of getting fat herself, thinking that being fat is shameful. She doesn’t even know you, so what she hates is not “you”, but “fat”.

People who say “You are so poor” are also afraid of becoming poor, or want to gain a little superiority by belittling you.

People who say “you are a slut” are afraid of being perceived as a slut themselves, they want to maintain their image and appear innocent.

This is true of all judgment.

Why try not to judge anyone at all, including yourself?

First, you can only see a fraction of a person, not the real, whole person, so conclusions about a person based on that fraction are almost always wrong. For example, people see a 20-second short video on TikTok of a young man and an old man arguing on the bus, and immediately began to judge in the comment area, “This young man’s shameless”. But you know what actually happened? Maybe the old man punched the young man first.

More importantly, if you dig deeper, you will find that at the end of the day, everyone is wrong, and no one is right. The old man who hit the young was in a bad mood because he was scolded by another person. And that person felt that his life was painful and was unhappy with society. And his pain is caused by the lack of love of his parents when he was a child, and his parents’ parents didn’t know how to raise their children because their parents has their own struggles… So in the end, everyone, including the so-called “bad people” are just people who don’t have a clue of this life thing, and everyone lives in a series of “causes and effects”, being hurt and hurting others. The world is endless cause and effect, so it is difficult to pin down who is right and who is wrong.

Fortunately, there are also being healed, and then healing others.

[  Share this on Twitter  ]

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❤ 1 Insight From Others

“They had read a few paragraphs of an article and spewed some insults. Their reactions had nothing to do with the real me.

I couldn’t take praise personally, either. Some people have liked things I’ve written or made, and have said nice things about me. But those aren’t the real me, either.

So the conclusion is this: Public comments are just feedback on something you made. They’re worth reading to see how this thing has been perceived. You can even take it as feedback on the public image you’ve created. All people know is what you’ve chosen to show them.

Never forget that the public you is not you.”

– Derek Sivers, The Public You Is Not You

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❤ 1 Small Step To Take

“Judging Wristbands”:

For the next week, wear a rubber band around your wrist, like the kind you use for tieing your hair. Every time you realize that you just made a judgment, whether it was about someone else or yourself, pull up and flick your wrist to tell yourself that this behavior is not ok.

This is an important little exercise because the people who you judged most is, YOU.

Be a little kinder to yourself.

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Do you find this issue of Reality helpful? Leave a reply to this email, I check every reply in my inbox.

Until next week,

Ted Wild

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PS: Article：Why Self-help Books Fail To Help

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